30 before 30

Your 20s are a really strange time to be alive. I mean, it’s the first time I’m living through them so I have no comparative frame of reference, but as a millennial, turning 30 in January 2025, I can’t help but sit and reflect on what a truly strange time it is. Some of your friends are travelling the world, some have graduated university and are heading out into different careers, some are going back to university, some are buying houses, some are having children, some are getting married, some are getting divorced and it’s the first time in your life that it feels like everyone you know of your age is heading in different directions. Couple that with it being the first time in your life (in the Western world that is) you’ve truly got financial, educational, employment, and lifestyle freedom, and it’s hardly a surprise that it can feel quite daunting, overwhelming, exciting, humbling, exciting and about a million other emotions all in one.

Turning 30 feels like a milestone. It’s one that I remember when I was younger, I used to think ‘by the time I’m 30 I’ll…’ cue listing off hundreds of things I thought I would have done by now, all largely driven by societal norms and pressures (plot twist, most of them haven’t come anywhere near true). And yet, by the end of my 20s certainly, I found myself questioning all of these societal pressures – marriage, house ownership, children, and have found myself onto a very different path than what I guess would be classed as traditional.

And do you know what? Whilst most of them haven’t come true, it’s been an adventure in a whirlwind of different ways. Here’s the secret though with that…

It’s perfectly ok.

It’s perfectly ok, if you’ve spent your 20s changing path 20 times. It’s ok if the only thing you own is your backpack and you spend the night in hostels around the world. It’s ok if you settled down early and started a family. And it’s ok if that family looks a little different than what you might have wanted. It’s ok if you’re on your 10th job of the year. It’s ok if you fell in love. It’s ok if you didn’t. It’s ok if you had your heart broken. It’s ok if you have an entirely different set of friends than what you did at 19. And it’s ok to feel like you’ve not yet achieved anything what you thought you might have done.

However, the amount of people I know that speak to me feeling as though all of this isn’t ok does truly worry me. I thought, therefore, there might be some use in writing this piece. One, because actually turning 30 isn’t filling me with any dread, and I’m quite looking forward to the next phase of my life knowing a lot more about who I am, what I want, and where I want to be in life. But also, because I get asked quite a lot by people in their late teens, and early 20s when they’ll feel more comfortable in who they are, or how to get there, or what they should be doing with their life.  By no means am I an expert, but I’ve lived the last 10 years of my life to their full (and the best of my ability), made plenty of mistakes along the way, and maybe, just maybe, I can share the lessons that have helped me the most over the past 10 years.

1. Don’t be afraid to start again

   
   

A lot of people feel that if they start again, they’ve failed. Be that in a relationship, or a career, at university, or even just changing their outfit in the morning. I’ve started again hundreds of times in the past 10 years. Notably though, I’ve started again 4 key times in my 20s. None of those occasions have led to me perceivably failing or struggling to achieve what I wanted or needed to later on. In fact, I’d probably say on the flipside, it’s made me more creative, versatile, and resilient. When I lost my job due to redundancy during the COVID-19 pandemic, I had to start again, when I’d only just started again. I learned that fundamentally, rejection is redirection, and all that rejection did was to redirect me onto a different path - back to university to do my Masters degree, which is what I’m using within my work now.  No, it isn’t always easy. But if you have something in the back of your mind telling you that you want to go and try something else, be somewhere else, with someone else, or perhaps life forces you down that path with very little choice, know that it will be ok. In fact, it may even be great, but you won’t know until you try.

2. Dream big… then dream bigger

   
   

My mom used to always say (and in fact it was on my wall in my bedroom) ‘shoot for the moon, even if you miss it, you’ll land amongst the stars’. Perhaps I’ve taken that too literally, because I really do believe that there is very little out of my reach if I work hard enough for it, but I honestly don’t believe that we all dream big enough in this life. I feel that people, for a myriad of reasons including self-doubt, fear, insecurity, personal circumstance, don’t believe that they can achieve what they truly want to. This then forces people to settle into circumstances that weren’t ever really what they wanted. I’m not sitting here to say that everyone needs to start thinking they’re going to fly to the moon, because we’re all different and that’s the beautiful thing about life. But, if you’re thinking you want to do something, try something, or aim for something, and you feel like it’s silly, or out of reach for you – I’m here to tell you, that it’s not. With hard work, dedication, determination and a stroke of luck, you may just get there. If not, you’ll land amongst the stars.

3. Be authentic and unapologetically you

   
   

This is one of the biggest lessons that I’ve learned, and maybe it’s one of the most important ones. You will not live the life you want to live, trying to be someone else. In my opinion, you won’t truly be happy doing so either. Learning to be yourself (which ties into a few of the other points) is one of the greatest gifts you can work on achieving in your 20s, because (plot twist) the world really does need you. Not you pretending to be someone else. But you. There is no one on this earth that has walked before you, walks now, or walks after you that will be exactly like you. In looks, personality, aptitude, knowledge or experience. I think that is a truly beautiful thought. So, pretending to  be someone else, or apologising for who you are, and what makes you ‘you’, denies the world the chance to benefit from everything you are. Be authentic, and unapologetically you.

4. Be kind (genuinely)

   
   

Societal acceptance of mental health, and wellbeing has come on leaps and bounds over the past decade. That’s not to say we don’t have an incredibly long way to go, and we must do more to learn, improve, and understand mental health. However, through my 20s, some very sad events, globally, politically, and within popular culture have occurred where inevitably following this, thousands of people will preach that we all need to ‘be kind’. Despite this, inevitably again, those same people will take no action to actually achieve that, choosing instead to continue with a lack of empathy, relishing in the downfall of famous figures, a society of people, even people close to them, or even acting in an unkind manner to someone close to them. This MUST stop. Being kind is a truly wonderful goal to aim towards, but only by taking meaningful action to doing so will we actually achieve this. Listen to people. Actually listen and try to empathise. Even if you can’t imagine what someone else is going through, put yourself in that position for half a second and try. Embrace differences, whether that be cultural, gender, sexuality, race, disability … whatever it may be. Recognise personal privilege where it applies and try to be kind with the language you use when talking to or about someone. To say ‘be kind’ is one thing, but to genuinely be kind is another, and only by stopping paying lip service to something, and actually taking meaningful action, will we actually achiever a kinder, more empathetic and fairer environment.

5. It’s not about being fearless, it’s about feeling the fear and doing it anyway 

   
   

A lot of people have said to me through the past 10 years ‘oh you’re fearless’. What I would say to that is that they’re wrong. I’m human – I get nervous, I feel the fear of human fallibility, I’ve certainly started to feel the fragility of life a lot more at this end of my 20s. The difference is, I’ve learned to not let that fear hold me back. I learned to overcome it a long time ago, and the secret to that was to think about what the worst thing that could happen would be. I’ll give you a ‘for instance’. Standing up to present in front of a large group of people. Of course, I still feel a little bit of nerves before doing so, but what is the worst thing that can happen? Everyone laughs. No – one turns up. I fall flat on my face. Are any of those things truly awful? No, I would still be me, I’d still have a job, I’d still have my family and my friends, and I’d still be healthy. Life would continue. Yes – it would be uncomfortable for a little while, but it wouldn’t be absolutely earth-shattering. I learned to say to myself, ‘ok you’re nervous today’, ‘or you’re worried about x’. And that’s ok! All that I learned that meant was that I was human, and that was a privilege. I learned to sit in that emotion, reframe it into a positive, and then go ‘ok let’s do it anyway!’. Coping mechanisms including breathing techniques, journaling, and positive visualisation which all helped to reframe a negative into a positive, but that’s helped me to feel the fear and do it anyway.

6. Learn to be ok on your own

   
   

My 20s have put me in many positions where I’ve had to be comfortable being ok on my own. Whether that be through solo travel, working as cabin crew (which can be incredibly lonely) being single when everyone around me is not, experiencing a breakup, or simply being in the position where all of my friends or family have other plans or commitments (which is absolutely normal and ok!), I’ve found myself on many occasions where I’m alone. That could be alone in my flat, going to the coffee shops in town, taking myself to the theatre, or taking a flight to somewhere new completely solo, and learning to be comfortable on my own has meant that I’ve never missed out on something I needed or wanted to do through fear of being on my own. Because, as I mentioned when I started this piece, everyone is doing something different for the first time at this point in your life. And not everyone is going to be able to do or want to do everything you want or need to do at the time that works for you. That’s perfectly normal, but unless you want to put your entire life on hold, you’re going to need to learn to be happy on your own.

7. You’re not behind, you’re exactly where you need to be 

   
   

It can be so easy with the likes of social media, and societal pressures/ perception to feel like you’re behind in life, and not hitting those classic milestones that perhaps other people around you are. In addition, some days it may feel like everyone around you is smashing their jobs, achieving new qualifications, going to the gym, cooking three fresh meals a day, and managing to run a side hustle, whilst you’ve fell over your own feet getting out of bed. That’s absolutely fine! I’ve learned that we’re all on our own path, and some people’s will move faster earlier, and some later! Trust the process, trust in yourself and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

8. It is much easier for people to knock you down, than to build themselves up to your level 

   
   

This is another one from my mom, learned probably earlier than my 20s in honesty with you. I was bullied through school, and I remember distinctly my mom telling me when I asked ‘why’ someone would do that, being told that it is much easier for others who are jealous of you to knock you down, than for them to put in the work to build themselves up to your level. It’s fairly self-explanatory, but it’s helped me to rationalise poor behaviour on the behalf of other people throughout my life so far and it’s something I now pass on to others.

9. Invest in yourself – it’s the best use of your money

   
   

My brain is the most expensive thing I own. I’ve invested in my education (higher education that is) on three occasions now, meaning it’s worth tens of thousands in basic form, and probably much more when considering the career it’s taken me on to have. But I don’t just mean invest in your education (although I could hand on heart recommend it). I mean invest in your health, your fitness, your happiness, your hobbies… anything that makes you who you are. You are the longest relationship you will have on this earth, so investing in making yourself the happiest, healthiest, and most successful version of yourself you can, will never be an investment wasted.

10. Save it for the car 

    
    

Another one from my mom. I learned early on that not everyone in life will have your best interests at heart, and unfortunately, I learned this the hard way when something I’d said (I thought) in private to my family got taken completely out of context and used against me to spread a rumour. It caused me a lot of problems, and despite the apology I got, it hurt badly at the time. My mom taught me to ‘save it for the car’ which doesn’t literally mean you have to save everything you want to say or express for when you’re sitting in a car (although it’s a great place to do so!), but if you’re feeling hurt, upset, annoyed, frustrated, or you just really want to cry and let it all out, save it for somewhere where you know the people around you are trustworthy, and where you have psychological safety. That will allow you to express yourself safely, work through anything in a healthy environment, and not risk your weakest moments  being used against you.

11. You weren’t born to blend, if you have an opinion, say it

    
    

This one I think applies to your personal and professional life, and it probably ties in with learning to be unapologetically you. Providing it isn’t discriminatory, rude, or unkind, I honestly think that if you have an opinion or something to say, then say it! That isn’t to say one can go around throwing out insults, or unkind comments with no consequence, but if a topic is being discussed, or your opinion is asked for, then say it! I’ve found that blending in won’t get you very far in life,  and actually it often just leads you to disappointment or a feeling of unfulfillment because you had something to say, and didn’t say it. Your voice might not be the loudest in the room, but that honestly doesn’t matter. The one thing you have to say might be the thing that turns everyone onto a different path or track, so go for it!

12. No one is looking at you - dance, sing, play, do it anyway (and if they are they probably wish they were you)

    
    

I’m one of those people you’ll find dancing in Tesco, or singing in the street, and to be honest I always have been. But I know so many people who are worried about dancing, or singing, or having fun when out in public for fear of what other people might say to them. I’m here to tell you that I honestly don’t believe half the time, the general public will even bat an eyelid and look at you. If they do, they’re probably not thinking anything bad, they’re probably thinking ‘gosh I wish I had the guts to do that too’.

13. Life will continue to be difficult when the universe is trying to clear things out of your old path to send you on your new one

    
    

This has been a really interesting lesson to learn, and it gets a little bit spiritual here so bear with me. I’ve always felt that the universe has a path and a plan for everyone and everything. The most painful and difficult things I’ve gone through in life, have always been when I’ve felt that some kind of power is trying to clear something out of my life to make way for something better, or to put me onto the new path. The pain has largely come though not through the change, but largely from me holding on too hard and not wanting to let go. As a result, when I do finally let go and just let it be, the pain goes, and actually life become easier again and the path forward becomes clear. My advice here would be if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t, and unless the thing to fix it is within your control (in which case you can do something about it), then it’s probably best to let go of whatever it is  you’re holding on to and let what will be, be.

14. Believe in Karma - everything always comes out in the wash

    
    

I’ve been through some absolutely rubbish situations in my 20s. Really, really difficult, painful, unjust and unfair situations. Naturally, as human nature goes, our instinct is to want to fix it, get our version of events across, or to want the person or people who hurt us to also hurt in some way. Now, I don’t believe I know everything about life, but what I do know, is that karma really does work its magic with bad people, and those who do bad things, and that with just a little bit of patience (it might not be immediate), if you wait, you’ll see that what goes around really does come around. Trust me.

You don’t have to push to tell your version of the truth. As Ariana Grande said best ‘me and my truth we sit in silence’. Sometimes that can be the most powerful thing, and believe me when I say, it really does all come out in the wash. The truth will always come out.

15. Find your reason why

    
    

Every single one of us has a different motivation for wanting to do whatever it is we do in our lives. It might be for our children, our family, our friends, our dogs, our own health and wellbeing, our desire to make a difference. Whatever it is, identify it early (and it may change depending on the scenario), and hold on to it. This will be your biggest motivation and driving force when things get tough.

16. Love the people closest to you, you don’t have forever

    
    

It’s simple really. Human connection is something we all want and crave, and to form bonds and relationships is truly a gift. Whether that be family, friends, or a romantic partner. However, tomorrow is never promised, so make time to pick up the phone, go and see those you love, and support each other in the best way that you can. For me, most things in my life are solved with a visit home to my family, talking things through with my friends, and cuddling my basset hound, and I’ll never take those for granted.

17. Carry your rough paper with you

    
    

One from my dad now, and a bit of a running joke in my family. Whenever I used to do my maths homework in high school, my dad would sit down and before we even started, ask where my rough paper was for workings out. But actually, it’s a lesson I’ve carried through with me. That rough paper could be a notebook, an app on your phone, or even just a few sheets of paper in your bag, but having something to write thoughts, reminders, or ideas on whilst you’re out and about is a really sensible idea. Equally, keep a pad of rough paper by your bed, it’s amazing how many ideas you come up with at 2 in the morning, or how many things you need to get out of your mind to help  you sleep, and writing it down to get it out of your head will do wonders for you.

18. Don’t get hung up on money – it can always be earned, BUT plan how to be comfortable and financially independent

    
    

I used to get quite worried about spending money and worry if I spent a little more than I had wanted or planned for (for example if I needed a new tyre and hadn’t budgeted for it). I’ve learned through my 20s that things are always going to crop up unexpectedly, and that by allowing yourself to worry too much about spending money, you’re going to miss out on a whole heap of opportunities that you’d otherwise have wanted to do, or things you just have to spend on to live! In saying that, one of the most important things I could tell anyone to do was learn to be financially independent. Learn how to budget, how to work smartly to earn a little extra if you need, choose jobs that suit your worth and personal value, and always have the ability to live and thrive by yourself without relying on someone else for your living.

19. Travel - go and see the world, immerse yourself in different cultures, and learn as much as you can 

    
    

It’s no secret that I love to travel. I’m honestly so fortunate to have had the ability and opportunity to travel as much as I have in the first 30 years of my life and it’s something I don’t take for granted for a second. There is no better education in my opinion than travelling to somewhere completely different, immersing yourself in their culture, language, and way of life. It develops a sense of global citizenship, humility for opportunity you may have that others do not, empathy, social responsibility, as well as of course language/communication skills, planning, resourcefulness, and it places you in an environment different to your own where you can grow. Honestly, next time you’re debating whether to book the ticket, just book it. You won’t regret it.

20. There’s no learning opportunity that’s a waste of your time 

    
    

It can be really easy at the end of a job, or relationship, or any situation actually that didn’t go the way you thought it would or wanted to, to think that it was a waste of time. But I promise you that you’ve probably learned some really important lessons during that period of time, that will guide you (if you let them) in the future. We aren’t born knowing the answers to everything, and sometimes the only way that we can learn about ourselves, life and the world around us is to experience things and go through it. Even if it is painful in the moment.

21. Learn to love yourself - it’s the longest relationship you’ll ever have 

    
    

The longest relationship you’re going to have during your life is with yourself. And yet so many people that I know really don’t like themselves – and this often manifests as not liking the way you look. Please, please, please learn to love yourself during your 20s. If that feels like a struggle, then start small. Find things that you do think you like about yourself and focus on them until you can like everything about yourself. The way we think about and talk about ourselves has such an impact on our brain chemistry i.e., the more negative things we tell ourselves the more negative we will feel about ourselves and vice versa. Focus on both aesthetic and internal things to keep the balance (your worth is not simply dictated by a societal façade of ‘beauty’) but learning to love yourself will allow you to not only survive, but to flourish, nurture healthy relationships, and set healthy boundaries for yourself to protect your emotional and physical wellbeing.

22. Prioritise your health and wellbeing

    
    

This one incorporates your physical and mental wellbeing. Your health is an absolute gift, and you can never underestimate how important it is to ensure you are fit, healthy, strong, well nourished, well rested, well hydrated and mentally fit. For each of us this will look different, and that’s ok because we’re all different! For my physical health, I know that I have to have some form of movement every day, and at least 5 days in the week where I do something which exerts significant effort (either weights, a gym class or a long/more difficult walk). For my mental health, I know that fresh air, any movement,  good food and hydration, writing, talking with friends and family, and being creative are all things that help to protect my mental health. From time to time, extra focus may be needed, and that may be time off work, therapy, sports massage… whatever it is, it’s crucial to learn at this phase in your life to prioritise this and build a routine that you know you can rely on in the more difficult times.

23. Learn and be comfortable saying no 

    
    

Being able to say no isn’t always easy. A lot of us aim to people please, and really don’t like to let people down, disappoint people, or not be able to commit to something that is important to other people. But it’s absolutely paramount to learn what serves and suits your goals and needs, and if it doesn’t fit with that, learn to say no, and protect your own mental and physical health and wellbeing.

24. It’s not no, it’s not yet 

    
    

Probably an odd segway given the point above but I’ve received so many rejections in my 20s. I think that is entirely normal and actually it’s really healthy to allow you to learn to handle rejection and build resilience. Something that helps me, is knowing that most opportunities will come around again in the future, and therefore if it’s no right now, it might just be bad timing. Next time, might be your time, and for now, there’s another plan for you (remember rejection is redirection).

25. Winners do quit- they are just smart in knowing when to

    
    

I don’t believe that winners don’t quit. I just don’t. Sometimes the bravest and strongest thing one can do (and sometimes it’s even the only thing you can do), is to quit. Hanging on to something, someone or somewhere that isn’t right for you, or is making you miserable is not a sign of strength. Of course, that’s not to say throw in the towel at the first sign of difficulty. But if you’ve tried and it’s just not working, or not serving your purpose, or it just doesn’t feel right, then knowing that it’s time to bow out and how to do that in an appropriate way is the key.

26. Keep your friends close and your enemies completely out of the way 

    
    

The saying goes ‘keep your friends close, and your enemies closer’, and I hand on heart don’t agree with it. People who can’t support me, or champion me or even just be kind to me, are not people I want anywhere near my life, and I’ll do everything I can to keep them completely at arm’s length. We all know the type, those that can’t be happy for you, do their best to bring you down, or just to put a dampener on good times for you, you do not need, nor are you obligated to keep that negative energy in your life. In fact, it’s only going to hold you back in the end, so my honest advice is to cut them loose and surround yourself with people who bring consistent positive energy to your life.

27. You will always have those things in your life that are your constants - find them and don’t take them for granted as you’ll need them when times are tough

    
    

I’ve learned this through the hard times that have occurred in my 20s. I am incredibly lucky to have constant support from my family, my closest friends, and when times are tough, I’ve always had my dancing to fall back on for not only work, but also the mental and physical benefits. Each of us will have things in our life that have always been there, will always be there and will always be beneficial to us. Identify them as early as you can and revert to them when times are difficult – they’ll get you through.

28. Be grateful for your roots 

    
    

I’m so grateful for the upbringing that I’ve had (I know not everyone is fortunate enough to be in this position and my heart goes out to you). That upbringing, and my parents giving me as many opportunities as they could, and making sure I did well in my education has set me up so well for a life that is secure, rich in so many ways, and incredibly fulfilling. As I’ve gotten older and had the opportunity to do some absolutely amazing things that I never even thought I’d have the opportunity to do, I’ve never, ever forgotten that where I’ve come from, how I was raised, and who I was raised by which have led me directly to those moments. And even as life continues to present me with amazing things, opportunities and experiences, my aim is to never, ever take for granted a single second of it.

29. Learn to appreciate those moments where you feel at peace

    
    

Life isn’t always peaceful. Every now and again though there’ll be a moment, and it won’t necessarily be a big, life-changing moment, where you feel at peace amongst the world. Perhaps it will just be on a walk, or sat next to your dog, but those moments where you feel truly at peace, and as though everything is as it’s supposed to be, are truly magical. Appreciate them, as sometimes they take a while to come back round again.

30. Never lose that childish magic. Be excited, love the little things, and learn to appreciate a beautiful day 

    
    

The first part of this ‘never lose that childish magic’ comes from an excellent film that has woven it’s thread through my childhood, teenage years and 20s (Under a Tuscan Sun). I really like it, because as we get older, it becomes almost fashionable and cool to not show emotion, to downplay the good things in life that happen, and to act in a nonchalant manner. This carries through then to personal achievements – something I feel like in the UK is that we’re not very good at shouting about our own achievements and I think we can all do better here. But think about children. They show excitement, enjoyment, they feel in the moment, and they appreciate the fun things about life. As we get older, life naturally beats us down sometimes, but in those moments, I’ve found that learning to hang on to the little things, like appreciating a sunny day, being excited over watching a new series, cooking a nice meal, having a cuddle with the dog, all help to make the world feel that little bit more magical again. And the world truly is a magical place, filled with so much opportunity and adventure. Don’t lose sight of that and hang on to your childish magic.